Introspektiiviä uudesta näkökulmasta

Illan saatossa koin itseni tylsistyneeksi. Huomasin myös jossain määrin kyllästyneeni internetin suureen maailmaan muisteltuani menneitä ja niiden aikojen sisältämää jännitystä, kun tämä digitaalinen maailma oli vielä suuri ja kovin ihmeellinen. Nyt tiedän mitä tehdä jos kaipaan jotain, tai mahdollisesti tietyn informaation nälän tyydyttämiseen tarvittavatkin työkalut ovat jopa liiankin tuttuja minulle nykyiseltään.

Tukeutuessani ystäviin näinkin triviaalin ongelman kanssa löysin yllättäen aiheen minkä koen itselleni tällä hetkellä hyvin keskeiseksi. Kyseinen aihe on minun yleinen kyllästyminen oman elämäni tasaisuuteen, sen tunteiden turbulenssin ja muun konfliktin puute mitä ei todellakaan aiemmin kuluneena vuotena ollut on tehnyt minusta hieman omalaatuisen Munchausenin tapauksen.
Kaipaan -mutta silti pelkään- sosiaalista kitkaa elämässäni. Myös aiemmin pelkäämiä -tai jopa hieman haluttujakin- narsisistisia piirteitäni tässä nyt kosketellen tunnen myös tylsyydeksi sen, että minua ei ylenpalttisesti arvosteta asioista mistä halajaisin arvostusta.
Kovin pinnallista, mutta uskoakseni ymmärrettävää.
Tylsyyteni keskellä olen tutkinut asioita mitkä ovat minua jo pidemmän aikaa kiinnostaneet; suurempien kappaleiden fysiikka, sekä kristillisen doktriinin ulkopuolisesta jumal-opista olen hakenut tietynlaista tarkoitusta, tai vastausta kysymyksiini joita minulla ei varsinaisesti ole.

Nämä kysymykset ja niiden ympärillä pyörivä tarkoituksellisuuden hakeminen piirtävät kuvan minusta ja tämänhetkisestä puutteen tunteesta. Nämä kappaleet, keskeisyydestään huolimatta ovat vain pieniä osia kiertoradalla pelkoni ympärillä.

Aiemmin mainittu pelkoni siitä mahdollisesta kitkasta saa minut pysähtymään ja miettimään asian ehkä jopa liiankin pitkälle. Tästä johtuen en välttämättä tee edes aloittavaa liikettä katastrofin pelossa. Kuulen usein vanhemmiltani moitteita juuri kyseisestä hahmoviasta, hahmovian jonka perin isäni puolelta sukua. Olemme valitettavasti vanhimman veljeni kanssa hieman introvertteja, mutta uskoakseni minä olen siunaantunut edes jonkinlaisella kyvyllä myös ulosantiin. Tämäkin kyky mikä on myös ihan luonnossa kosketeltava ominaisuus minussa, kunhan saan ajatukseni jäsenneltyä, on yksi josta tunnen tarvetta tunnustukseen.

Tunnustusta että olen yksilö ja muita parempi keskustelemaan. Ystäväni jotka saavat kokea tätä jäsenneltyä ajatuksen virtaa usein luonnehtivatkin minut karismaattiseksi, mikä on ehkä hieman yliampuva arvio minusta. Koen usein että minun mielipiteeni monista asioista jää käsiteltäväksi viimeisenä ja sivuutetaan kovin helposti. Nyt pohdittuani voi myös tämä käsitys olla harhaa egoni varjon alla?

Lieneekö tämä se mikä saa minut potemaan sitä tunnustuksen tarvetta yhä kroonisemmin, egoni halu kasvaa sokaisee minut totuudelta että minua kuunnellaan, ja puhumani muistetaan?

Kertokaa te, rakkaat kolme(?) lukijaani tämä minulle.

I feel stretched

This fine evening far apart from the ones scribed here earlier and yet again I found myself heavy with regret of things not done, others unsaid. To this very day there had been a struggle within me, fighting to keep this heavy burden hidden, out of mind.

A burden which seems light to the beholder but heavy to the carrier, there is a process I find necessary to undergo, but this is the dilemma; I do not even dare to guess what that process would be. I had been callous for quite some time and now the skin is broken yet again.
I feel strong winds, hot from fury, moist from stagnation, cold from fear. These winds beat my raw sensitive hide which I had only artificially and hastily protected.

Cauterizing the wound with closure would help in this situation I am stuck in, but I am a coward and will not seek this road. I fear the outcome of a confrontation, which this cauterization requires, it is neglect which I will choose as my shield, my now developed traits of character do not allow me for actions with bravado, there is nothing but covardice and neglicense left as my sword and shield.

God, won't someone help me?

2011 Edit: GOOD GOD HOW TEDIOUS IS THE DRIBBLE WHAT I'VE LET YOU PEOPLE READ!
2012 Edit: Nope, this text is shit, even now. :D

Common sense?

The ten commandments

Is there such a thing as a universal code of rules which everyone in a society like ours should be taught to adhere to?

It is boiled down in to a matter of perspective considering the modern society mentioned in the question, there are many such codes of conduct riddled all across world history from laws to divine instructions.

Unfortunately most of these laws and commandments have been enforced through much higher authorities than man could ever posess, such as God or spirits of generations long past, unfortunate because one would like to paint a beautiful picture of mankind being good in nature by default. This is sadly not the case onehundred percent of the time, thus we come up with laws and commandments to keep our pack from disintegrating to a worldwide brawl and a nest for anarchy.

The matter of perspective mentioned earlier is squeezed into one question though; do we want to preserve our way of life and flooding our habitats with more humans or start a trend of cutting down overpopulation through war and cold-blooded murder everywhere?

I for one live by the rules and would like to see others have the common courtesy to do so as well (but sometimes it's good to bend a few rules though).

Thoughts on my beliefs in deity and own perspective on modern Shinto practise.

Tonight I found myself willing to write something up but didn't have a topic in mind. Thanks to my friend Johannes I actually stumbled upon a topic after some light discussion on our beliefs.

But, back to the topic. Modern practise of shinto and how easily it is comparable to my beliefs and opinions on spiritual matters, I have read that it used to be and still propably is very patriarchal in some aspects but there propably are sects in that religion such as there are in Christian society, the protestants and so on. My friend also thought about looking into Shinto as a beliefsystem, but the idea of worshiping the emperor of Japan as deity put him off. But I'm not sure if Japan is an imperial country anymore.

But worshiping the past generations and asking their spirits for strength and good luck, that sounds completely acceptable, because I like to keep an open mind on things. In the bigger picture it handles all living things and nature itself as sacred. I tend to think like this more than often as of late. Also the very ritualistic nature gives me as a somewhat of a perfectionist/neurose-ridden type of person a kick.

Yet again nothing very conclusive but I wanted to get this out of my system because I talk about this almost every time religion or a system of belief is the topic.

Also I'd like to blurt out that if I DO PRAY, it's not like praying in itself but very serious and sincere well-wishing for me and people close to me.

A quick scramble of thoughts on the usefulness of prisons

Curing criminals

Criminal behavior a disease? I believe it is in some cases. The modern judicial system in America incarcerates very indiscriminately to my knowledge, but that also varies state-to-state how the hammer is being brought down on cases.

Curing a common thief, a one time offender usually does learn his or her lesson from prison or community service. Then again, there is another side to the coin here. Depending on what the crime was, some inmates find new contacts and ways to continue their wrongs after the sentence.
A very good example of the prison system teaching bad habits to repeaters is seen in Maryland, Baltimore. Also well known through the TV-show 'The Wire', which finished airing in 2008.

Curing the criminally insane is propably more likely to be 'curable' because it is much more about the condition of the offender instead of the circumstances that brought him or her to commit the crime. In these cases a regime of therapeutic activities or some other way of rehabilitating the subject is chosen opposed to incarceration and the isolation which might even make the situation worse.

What to take out of this would make me think that I have to come to a conclusion that even though the prison system does keep the streets 'clean' it doesn't make the problem go away when it comes to organized crime or the mentally ill prisoners who should really be in a hospital instead.

Viimeiset sanat, ja näin jää hyvästi kun aika koittaa.

"Rest my maiden, maiden fair. My fair maiden with silver hair, our love had not been in vain. I am sure our paths will cross again."

22 päivä tulee olemaan aika ikävissä merkeissä vietetty, eräs entisistä naisistani kuoli vastikään kolarissa ja olen kutsuttu hautajaisiin. Ajattelin kirjoittaa tänne kun pitkästä aikaa tuli sanojenkin muodossa jotain taiteiltua, vaikka kovinkin lyhyesti.

Genesis discontinued

I love you

I always think, if this is the one and only chance of my lifetime and I blow it off deceiving myself with the usual 'don't worry, others will come with time'-mentality, will I ever get the opportunity to achieve happiness that fulfills me?

I do not wish to end up as a bitter old shell of myself, I'd much prefer to die young if that is my fate.. But death and the uncertainty it brings is too much of a gamble for me, it scares me.

Maybe I contemplate too much, but I see people who never end up where they wanted to be and it is a horrid state to be in, to wither away into the abyss of time, never fulfilled, much like many pieces of my art. Or like the acorn of an oaktree.. Did you know that the oak makes another seedling only 100 years or so?

And yet, every fall, the acorns die a meaningless death and are tossed aside never to exist...

I got sidetracked, but my point still stands, as an individual I do not wish for my fate to be to just an end to a line of genesis, or to feel unfulfilled in the end. It just doesn't seem right, I of... not all but most people should be fit to have a mate, and to be fulfilled through that. And I as one of the current many who will not step into this supersocial culture of oversexual barbarism we call modern society!

I truly believe we should be the ones to pioneer the next milennia, not these people who we see every day, content on watching Big Brother and submerging themselves into the consumer mentality. It's just not fair! And even if the solution to this problem would be to make a bastard and continue the line of my blood, I do not wish to do so, for it does not make me feel fulfilled or accomplished.

Just...

Vain...