maanantai 26. toukokuuta 2014

Lies? Love? Fear?

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I thought that, as I only visit when all good things go to hell, I'd give writing like this a go for once. It may have become obvious by now, that I am not particularly good at relationships or at being a level kinda guy...

So, that's enough about that and I'll leave the extrapolating from incomplete and inane prattling data for you. How I feel right now is more of an issue.

See here's the thing!

- My heart knows not what it wants, lest it be beauty, passion and LOVE. Which it has deemed found in someone, who frankly doesn't love me, nor will she ever again. We both in our hesitation saw to that.

She could have... If only I'd shown some balls I boast to have, in the planetary category, made of brass even. I came home late today, extremely so- considering that I have work tomorrow and my fiancé waiting for me to say something, or even anything to her online, since my relationship with her is long distance for the time being. That is soon to change though. I love her as one would expect a fiancé to do, but I have an ailing heart to which I owe my current plight. I fell in love with someone this winter, someone else than my fiancé...

You see where this is going? Good. See I am the bad guy, but am I not deserving of love? The heart wants that, which it cannot have. Wait, let's say that I'm just a poor bastard struck by lightning. Nevermind... Like I said... Inane! The thing is that, in this rut that I am fucking stuck. By my own machinations and LIES, that have hurt all and most the ones that I care about. I love these women, madly both of them. The other one is a passionate lust and unrequited love, the other is affection and at times overbearing devotion and care. Both are good in moderation, and each at a time. Not both simultaneously and smotheringly intense, for I feel numb for it.

The one I lust and had the unrequited and inconsummate dance in the shadows with, is who intensely haunts me of late. I smell her hair still, as I wake, hear her laughter whilst I listen to the winds, basking in the sun and in closing my eyes, do I see her mesmerising gaze, locking with mine. In my thoughts at times, I hear hers, on my lips do I feel her lips and flesh. I felt connected for once and it was beauty in motion, effortless. Missing pieces coming together and hearing the pieces falling, unto their set counterparts. Alas, I never got close enough to gaze into her inner worlds in depth, God knows I was willing to go through the trouble. She was my interjecting line in this void topography, for we just met and now shall forever pass I fear. In a certain sort of infinity- second chances lie, let us hope we inhabit one, because I feel this fate is broken.

In my deeper moments and the ones, where one could hear God and the Earth speak, do I hear the affectionate calls of love from my fiancé, in the small beauties and hidden worlds within the world, do I see her hidden and most beautiful heart and it beckons to me. For I love the world her happiness and joy lives in. But I fear that there is no place in it for I, who has this paradise sundered. Trust betrayed and hopes poisoned. This is for which I am condemned, to eternity loathe, in my broken home of my own making. And why I feel undeserving to tend these gardens. Why I know, that I am the snake in them all.

I do prattle on. I'm sorry and I love you both. With all my heart, no matter how torn.